Cautionary, humorous or informative tales from the Dojo ....... have you got one you'd like to share? *****************************
It is said that the faintest pencil is more powerful than the greatest mind.
A tale of two Gi’s
I hope you might find this a humorous tale about Gi’s …. Unless of course you have one the same ! (Gi; a term I am using to describe the heavy duty white pyjama like clothing as used in Judo, Karate and Aikido).
So often they seem ill fitting, and on occasions you might just wonder what sort of animal they were made for ….. Certainly not human at times I suspect.. perhaps made to fit O’Uke, the Yeti like brute you always fear will one day attend the seminar for which you have just booked while sporting a recovering injury.
It reminds me of many years ago when I had a peasant like job for the Government’s civil engineering laboratories. Apart from a pair of rubber boots, a pencil, ruler, chair, desk and name on the shared office door, they issued me with a pair of overalls; a sort of boiler suit affair. They looked good until I tried them on and found they did not fit …. anywhere ! Walking in them was difficult as the crotch of the garment was closer to my knees than my groin. ‘No problem’, I thought, ‘just take them back to stores’.
I found the store-man and explained, “I’m sorry but these overalls don’t fit me.”
The simple apology and exchange I expected did not come to pass, the store-man simply looked up over his glasses and said, “I’m sorry too, but if a Ministry boiler suit fits you then you’re deformed”.
I’ve often wondered if the same applies to the Gi. (Apologies to any finely built folk out there that actually have perfectly fitting Gi.)
Somewhere in the world in a Gi factory, far, far away, the quality control manager … on a bag of nuts a day and only part time … is looking at a collection of misshapen but otherwise well made garments. “Mmm,” he thinks, “somehow we need to get rid of this lot.” He calls over an old chap, probably a foreign cousin of the Ministry store-man. “Sort these into pairs, that is a top and a bottom together and put them in plastic bags …. There’s a selection of labels over there, just find one that seems about right and stick it on. I’ll go and arrange shipping to the UK; they’re usually a good bet for this stuff.”
A few months later in the UK, an Aikidoka takes possession of his new Gi, confident in its quality as it was recommended by his teacher who said he made no profit from the sale and that he knew lots of people who wore theirs with pride and satisfaction … mainly at other clubs apparently.
“Right, here we go”, said the Aikidoka to himself standing in his Woolworth’s underpants, “let’s try the trousers first.”
He tried to pull them up to his waist, but something was stopping them being pulled right up, … yes … it was his groin!
Staring down in disbelief he could see that between crotch and waist band there was only a hand’s width of material. “Mmm,” he pondered, as he strained to pull the cord through the waist band that was too tight for the amount of cord, finally he manages to make a bow knot that has a remote but hopeful chance of keeping these ‘hipster’ style Gi trousers from slipping down, “Not to worry, the Gi top will bridge the gap.”
Looking down at the crisp starch white Gi trousers he observes the knee pad patches and decides to try them out. Our Aikidoka kneels in seiza, the back of the trousers slip lower still and expose what is commonly termed ‘builder’s bum’, and there in full view, resting not under his knees but on his upper legs are a pair of crisp starch white reinforced knee pads.
He stands and looking in the mirror consoles himself, “Oh, well, not to worry, at least the leg length is good if I fold them up a turn or two.”
He consoles self yet again, “They’re not too bad for thirty quid, and they do have some lovely embroidered oriental writing on the label.” ….. Little does he realise that these are merely essential laundry instructions that he can never knowingly follow and not the warrior like spiritual aphorisms of aspiration as he thinks they are. Then there was the classic half hippo half kangaroo animal he saw as a beautifully embroidered dragon.
Picking up the plastic bag he tips out the Gi top. He looks briefly at the bag before placing it on the nearby bench. It read, ‘dagner extinguish life, not wearbag’,
“Crumbs,” he thought, “they could do with an interpreter never mind a tailor”.
The Gi jacket slipped on easily, the arms were a good length … conveniently about the same length as his own … the body of the jacket is comfortingly long and overlaps his low slung waist band easily. He suddenly feels good and acts out an imaginary technique in front of the all admiring mirror. He contemplates how swish he will look on the tatami in his new Gi … ‘ah, the envy of all who watch’ …. he thought.
“Enough of this, young man”, he says to himself, “Let’s try the belt on….. See if we remember how to tie it eh?” He crossed the jacket left over right - “er, or was that right over left”, he thought.
He busied himself watching his hands wrap the belt around his body twice and then make several attempts to have a flat knot that pointed in the right direction. At last it was done, mind you there seemed to be almost enough spare belt left over for another trip around his midriff. Still, perhaps he would grow into it, you know, develop a good centre as they say.
Dressing now complete he eagerly anticipated admiring his latest martial attire in the mirror, oh, how good he felt, how magnificent he would be at class, he could hardly wait.
Then horror of all horrors, the image that looked back at him from the mirror was not remotely how he had seen it in his mind. The Jacket was fine at the bottom but at the top it didn't meet at all, leaving half an acre of hairy chest exposed. Even tugging it from both sides did not help ... it was just simply short of material.
Even at his level he could envisage a new and unexpected life experience on the mat, as his scrunched waist band cut mercilessly into his hips and with his Sensei’s voice ringing in his ears, “get those trousers shortened before you lose a toe in them”, some gorilla like uke would be tearing out handfuls of chest hair instead of gripping his lapels.
.................... Oh well, not to worry, at least it was a lot better than his last Gi.
Richard (Devon)
**********************************
I hope you might find this a humorous tale about Gi’s …. Unless of course you have one the same ! (Gi; a term I am using to describe the heavy duty white pyjama like clothing as used in Judo, Karate and Aikido).
So often they seem ill fitting, and on occasions you might just wonder what sort of animal they were made for ….. Certainly not human at times I suspect.. perhaps made to fit O’Uke, the Yeti like brute you always fear will one day attend the seminar for which you have just booked while sporting a recovering injury.
It reminds me of many years ago when I had a peasant like job for the Government’s civil engineering laboratories. Apart from a pair of rubber boots, a pencil, ruler, chair, desk and name on the shared office door, they issued me with a pair of overalls; a sort of boiler suit affair. They looked good until I tried them on and found they did not fit …. anywhere ! Walking in them was difficult as the crotch of the garment was closer to my knees than my groin. ‘No problem’, I thought, ‘just take them back to stores’.
I found the store-man and explained, “I’m sorry but these overalls don’t fit me.”
The simple apology and exchange I expected did not come to pass, the store-man simply looked up over his glasses and said, “I’m sorry too, but if a Ministry boiler suit fits you then you’re deformed”.
I’ve often wondered if the same applies to the Gi. (Apologies to any finely built folk out there that actually have perfectly fitting Gi.)
Somewhere in the world in a Gi factory, far, far away, the quality control manager … on a bag of nuts a day and only part time … is looking at a collection of misshapen but otherwise well made garments. “Mmm,” he thinks, “somehow we need to get rid of this lot.” He calls over an old chap, probably a foreign cousin of the Ministry store-man. “Sort these into pairs, that is a top and a bottom together and put them in plastic bags …. There’s a selection of labels over there, just find one that seems about right and stick it on. I’ll go and arrange shipping to the UK; they’re usually a good bet for this stuff.”
A few months later in the UK, an Aikidoka takes possession of his new Gi, confident in its quality as it was recommended by his teacher who said he made no profit from the sale and that he knew lots of people who wore theirs with pride and satisfaction … mainly at other clubs apparently.
“Right, here we go”, said the Aikidoka to himself standing in his Woolworth’s underpants, “let’s try the trousers first.”
He tried to pull them up to his waist, but something was stopping them being pulled right up, … yes … it was his groin!
Staring down in disbelief he could see that between crotch and waist band there was only a hand’s width of material. “Mmm,” he pondered, as he strained to pull the cord through the waist band that was too tight for the amount of cord, finally he manages to make a bow knot that has a remote but hopeful chance of keeping these ‘hipster’ style Gi trousers from slipping down, “Not to worry, the Gi top will bridge the gap.”
Looking down at the crisp starch white Gi trousers he observes the knee pad patches and decides to try them out. Our Aikidoka kneels in seiza, the back of the trousers slip lower still and expose what is commonly termed ‘builder’s bum’, and there in full view, resting not under his knees but on his upper legs are a pair of crisp starch white reinforced knee pads.
He stands and looking in the mirror consoles himself, “Oh, well, not to worry, at least the leg length is good if I fold them up a turn or two.”
He consoles self yet again, “They’re not too bad for thirty quid, and they do have some lovely embroidered oriental writing on the label.” ….. Little does he realise that these are merely essential laundry instructions that he can never knowingly follow and not the warrior like spiritual aphorisms of aspiration as he thinks they are. Then there was the classic half hippo half kangaroo animal he saw as a beautifully embroidered dragon.
Picking up the plastic bag he tips out the Gi top. He looks briefly at the bag before placing it on the nearby bench. It read, ‘dagner extinguish life, not wearbag’,
“Crumbs,” he thought, “they could do with an interpreter never mind a tailor”.
The Gi jacket slipped on easily, the arms were a good length … conveniently about the same length as his own … the body of the jacket is comfortingly long and overlaps his low slung waist band easily. He suddenly feels good and acts out an imaginary technique in front of the all admiring mirror. He contemplates how swish he will look on the tatami in his new Gi … ‘ah, the envy of all who watch’ …. he thought.
“Enough of this, young man”, he says to himself, “Let’s try the belt on….. See if we remember how to tie it eh?” He crossed the jacket left over right - “er, or was that right over left”, he thought.
He busied himself watching his hands wrap the belt around his body twice and then make several attempts to have a flat knot that pointed in the right direction. At last it was done, mind you there seemed to be almost enough spare belt left over for another trip around his midriff. Still, perhaps he would grow into it, you know, develop a good centre as they say.
Dressing now complete he eagerly anticipated admiring his latest martial attire in the mirror, oh, how good he felt, how magnificent he would be at class, he could hardly wait.
Then horror of all horrors, the image that looked back at him from the mirror was not remotely how he had seen it in his mind. The Jacket was fine at the bottom but at the top it didn't meet at all, leaving half an acre of hairy chest exposed. Even tugging it from both sides did not help ... it was just simply short of material.
Even at his level he could envisage a new and unexpected life experience on the mat, as his scrunched waist band cut mercilessly into his hips and with his Sensei’s voice ringing in his ears, “get those trousers shortened before you lose a toe in them”, some gorilla like uke would be tearing out handfuls of chest hair instead of gripping his lapels.
.................... Oh well, not to worry, at least it was a lot better than his last Gi.
Richard (Devon)
**********************************
Not just Gi's apparently !
Read Gi tale, had a really good laugh, you have to have trained in martial arts to really appreciate how true it is. It reminded me when I once bought a 'box' through my club sensei, 'these are the ones to wear' he told me, 'great protection'. I was not sure,everybody had cloth pouches and this one was mesh, he assured me it was the one for me.(even though he did not wear this sort himself). Oh well I thought,it must be ok. I wore it twice before all the mesh started to tear and fall to pieces. This is not right I thought,(as everyone else was saying they bought theirs from a magazine for half the price, and they were cloth, in fact everyone's was cloth. So I took it back to my sensei and showed him the problem! 'What have you been doing with this?' he said. 'Just wearing it', I answered. 'You must sweat a lot', he said. I thought everyone did. Perhaps you can sow it together, then I complained about it being uncomfortable. He looked confused, so I said don't worry, no, he said I will send it back to suppliers and see what they say! I never heard anymore,and bought one from a magazine like everyone else.I wonder where it is now,and whose groin it's protecting, or did someone have it before me? Support your club!!!! Phil (Dumfries)
*************************************
Read Gi tale, had a really good laugh, you have to have trained in martial arts to really appreciate how true it is. It reminded me when I once bought a 'box' through my club sensei, 'these are the ones to wear' he told me, 'great protection'. I was not sure,everybody had cloth pouches and this one was mesh, he assured me it was the one for me.(even though he did not wear this sort himself). Oh well I thought,it must be ok. I wore it twice before all the mesh started to tear and fall to pieces. This is not right I thought,(as everyone else was saying they bought theirs from a magazine for half the price, and they were cloth, in fact everyone's was cloth. So I took it back to my sensei and showed him the problem! 'What have you been doing with this?' he said. 'Just wearing it', I answered. 'You must sweat a lot', he said. I thought everyone did. Perhaps you can sow it together, then I complained about it being uncomfortable. He looked confused, so I said don't worry, no, he said I will send it back to suppliers and see what they say! I never heard anymore,and bought one from a magazine like everyone else.I wonder where it is now,and whose groin it's protecting, or did someone have it before me? Support your club!!!! Phil (Dumfries)
*************************************
Dojo training excuses;
Can't come tonight I have some new shoes.
If it was in winter, I'd come.
If it was in summer, I'd come.
It's too late.
It's too early.
It's too hot.
It's too cold.
I can't lift my arms up like this so I can't do that.
My husband says it's rubbish, he used to do Judo you know.
I've just had my dinner.
I need to eat.
Must pack as I'm on holiday next week.
Excuses not given ... they usually select one from above instead of these;
Football on telly tonight,
I haven't washed my feet.
My gi is still in the wash from last week.
I did a nasty technique on that big bloke last week and I'm waiting for him to forget or take up another art.
*********************************
The Yonkyu class;
It was a week long live in training session at the Dojo, I was there training when I could (or felt like it!) and happened to ask why we hadn't trained in yonkyu for some time. As you mostly know an often excruciatingly painful pressure point technique on the thumb side inner wrist .... a bit like elbowing something hard with your funny bone, that sort of feeling.
Well the teacher agreed that it was worth revisiting and planned it for the first class in the afternoon. Over lunch I had a chance to look around the garden and saw lots of jobs that really needed doing ... urgently I thought at the time ... so I made my excuses for missing the class.
They still did yonku ... for about an hour and a half .... as you know it is bad etiquette to scream out loud in the dojo ... unless it is a kiai of course. As I worked away on pruning and edging lawns around the dojo I could hear their silent screams passing through the walls and into outer space.
They all seemed to enjoy it and all thanked me profusely at tea break.
************************************
Can't come tonight I have some new shoes.
If it was in winter, I'd come.
If it was in summer, I'd come.
It's too late.
It's too early.
It's too hot.
It's too cold.
I can't lift my arms up like this so I can't do that.
My husband says it's rubbish, he used to do Judo you know.
I've just had my dinner.
I need to eat.
Must pack as I'm on holiday next week.
Excuses not given ... they usually select one from above instead of these;
Football on telly tonight,
I haven't washed my feet.
My gi is still in the wash from last week.
I did a nasty technique on that big bloke last week and I'm waiting for him to forget or take up another art.
*********************************
The Yonkyu class;
It was a week long live in training session at the Dojo, I was there training when I could (or felt like it!) and happened to ask why we hadn't trained in yonkyu for some time. As you mostly know an often excruciatingly painful pressure point technique on the thumb side inner wrist .... a bit like elbowing something hard with your funny bone, that sort of feeling.
Well the teacher agreed that it was worth revisiting and planned it for the first class in the afternoon. Over lunch I had a chance to look around the garden and saw lots of jobs that really needed doing ... urgently I thought at the time ... so I made my excuses for missing the class.
They still did yonku ... for about an hour and a half .... as you know it is bad etiquette to scream out loud in the dojo ... unless it is a kiai of course. As I worked away on pruning and edging lawns around the dojo I could hear their silent screams passing through the walls and into outer space.
They all seemed to enjoy it and all thanked me profusely at tea break.
************************************
